我 “搬家”了

http://hianhian.wordpress.com

For you, uncle.

I'm at a loss of words, suddenly.
When I first heard about the news after being awoken by the phone call at 4am, my mind went blank.
Too shocked to react.
I couldn't register the fact that he has left us.
I even wondered if it was a prank.

Frankly speaking,I'm nt very close to my aunts n uncles.
But coming to terms with his passing on, taking in every single details about uncle before and after the tragedy had happened wasn't easy.
And i worry for my dad, my grandparents & my uncle's wife.
The sudden bad news took away a father, a brother, a son from the family.

Distinct memories of him singing karaoke at our place during lunar chinese new year kept lingering in my mind.
The cousins were amused by his expressive singing style and watched him closing his eyes momentarily losing himself in the songs.
Did i mention that he used to sing off tune whenever he got overexcited in singing?
Sis and I would giggle uncontrollably at his funny antics as we record it on video during chinese new years.
I guess this strike us as one of the few precious moments that brought us closer to the other side of him.

Family karaoke would be different without him.
His laughter, his gungho strong attitude in facing life would always be fondly remembered.

And I hate to use past tense all of a sudden.
For this moment.



My professor once said,
"Growing old is about learning to cope with losses."
Yea, but at the same time, you learn to experience what it means to be devastated, sad, lonely and missing someone dearly to you. To go through and allow all kinds of complex emotions to penetrate you fully before moving on.
“Detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you fully. That’s how you are able to leave it.” ~ Tuesdays with Morrie

An epilogue and a prologue...

I wanted to pen down some tots in my mind before the next major phase of my life journey commences.

So that I get to read about how i felt and tot about things when I graduated at 22.

So that I recall some nitty gritty details that meant a lot to me when I was young, yet got forgotten somehow in life when I grew older and when memories on school has faded.

So here it goes...

About intellectual growth

The 3^rd and 4^th year of Uni was intellectually satisfying and rewarding. There is a constant push to engage in deeper and more critical analysis in whatever project or paper you choose to work on. Being able to choose the nature of study and study interest for your own intellectual pursuit and construct an alternative argument or a fresh perspective in looking at issues, pushes me beyond many boundaries and comfort zones. Education takes on an interestingly meaningful turn after lke 10 odd years of slogging in school. It is truly amazing how we get to understand a word differently as we grow up and take on different routes in our lives. It is no longer about memorizing and spotting questions. Well, I still spot exam qns in uni. LOL. Haha.. but its quite a different matter. Interviews and fieldtrips always churn out new insights. Despite the kind of things I always manage to predict (the kind of people, what they will say during interview etc), I’m always learning new things about them and about myself. The way you react to their statements, their behaviour, their expression allow you to understand yourself from a different way. To look at yourself from a different vantage point that we did not notice in the past. The excitement and adrenaline rush when drafting your essay… scribbling some excellent points down on a paper during train ride/ during your fieldtrips… and knowing that you deserve the good grades you get from some papers that comes entirely from your hard work and interaction with the interesting characters out there (be it opera enthusiasts, opera company boss or Chinese medium) How fun is that! Sociology, is definitely the best choice. School is nv the same after being a sociologist. u pursue your own knowledge and you witness your growth as a person.

About friendships….

Secondary school was a very crucial and memorable period of life for every child. We go through puberty, the confusion in BGR, understanding the amusing changes in our physical bodies, looking the chubbiest in our entire life, build amazing magical bonds and friendships with a few precious ones. Yeah, those you usually keep in touch and remain close since then. Those whom you can always count on to accompany you in reminiscing the good old days back then and how ridiculous every one of us was (and still are today). Teenage years are indeed a very special and amazing moment in life.

I needed a lot of help and support from my friends in Uni when I fractured my hipbone and was left on crutches. My friends brought me to lecture theatres and tutorial classes without fail. Hey, it wasn’t easy at all ok… we have so many donkey flight of stairs in our lovely campus u know! (Don’t let me know who the hell the architects are. !@@##$%^). I was the one hurrying thru my steps, but they are the ones who slow me down and ask me to take my time. Due to the fact that, the arts canteen was down for renovation, they had to venture to engine or business canteen to da-bao food for me. I was very moved. The aches during and after each lesson were annoying and I had a lot of rest to catch up cos I rmbed 2 out of 3 or 4 days of lessons were 6 hours straight in school. So, it was sure tiring given my condition. But for tt sem, my results was better than the previous sems despite my condition. Credits to my family and friends who took care of me in school back then.

Special thanks to: cher, chews and huiweng for their unconditional love and for being my nannies in school. I appreciate it very much.

For me, Uni days gave me a lot of autonomy. Autonomy to choose what I want to study and the friends I befriend with. I choose only quality people to be my friends. Hhah! Yes, aren’t you honoured?!

About my family

I’m the youngest child. Well, there are only the two of us. And I’m the more mischievous, troublemaker and careless one. Hence, since young, my parents tend to worry about me more.

My parents never give me pressure when it comes to grades. I am rlly grateful for that, now that I think back. But when I was P6, Daddy made me study real hard for exams. I mean since P1, he will keep pushing me to study for exams. But its different in P6. He pushed me hard and accompanied me to study everyday after the month of June - to prepare me for both my prelims and PSLE. He kept telling me and reminding me how important it is to do well for PSLE. This was the first time I found him naggy. But I thank him for being so strict on me in P6. I would not have made it so far if not for that trialing period.

It is always every parent’s wish to be able to protect and help his/her child when the child faces adversities or problems in life. It is natural that we want to protect our little precious children. Yet, It comes to a point when you realize that you cannot always be there to help them solve their problems and to protect them from failures. I’ve forgotten when exactly it is, that my parents felt that there is only this much they can do for me when I do not know how to do my homework or face problems in my studies. This is usually the first step or first time that a child notices the change in statuses.. the change they go through in life… that daddy and mummy are not always almighty. It’s time they themselves learn to be independent and find answers for one self, not for others.

Adversities bring people together and strengthen bonds. I know it sounds simple or cliché, but it never is when it happens to you. In my 2^nd year in Uni, I fractured my hipbone and was on crutches for almost 3 months during a school term. Forgot about not knowing what the hell caused the fracture or how to prevent it from happening again, it came as an important life lesson that reminds me about how much love I have from my family. Sometimes… most of the time, we take things for granted. We tend to forgot about the strongest love of all that keep us going.. that allow us to grow up and search for our dreams. The strongest of love that allow us to pick ourselves up after we fell or hurt ourselves. Without it, we may turn out to be very different from who we are now. But we don’t think about it, cos it’s always there. And we tot tt it should always be there. I rmbed Sis once told me about grandma’s conversation with her when I was injured. She asked sis whether I threw tantrum and felt lousy due to the frustration and immobility. Sis told her tt I did nothing of the sorts. I was a good girl. (ok, fine.. I added the last sentence.) The point is, I dun like grandma have no rights to throw tantrum, excuse me. Who am I to do tt, when my entire family took such great care of me (help me to the loo… da bao food for me… drove me for checkup and therapies.. etc). And I find her question, really funny in a way.

About graduation

The day I graduated from primary school, I cried buckets of tears. The teachers in YNPS nv fail to put me up on stage to perform a few songs for the school during festivals or any special occasions. It was no exception on the graduation day. I chose to sing ‘朋友’by Emil Zhou. It was secretly dedicated to all my frens and teachers (cos they rlly dote on me) in school. When the song reaches the final few lines, tears trickled down my face. In fact, I burst out in tears. I could hardly sing anymore. This was the first time I teared uncontrollably while performing a piece on stage. And I remembered stealing a glance on my vice principal sitting on the utmost front row, who gave me a comforting smile. And like the other audiences, clap on from the start till the final string of lyrics were delivered by the little girl on stage.

And now, this little girl has grown up. No longer young, but just right in time to embark on the next phases in her life upon the final graduation… from University.

She has no song to sing, no tears that flow uncontrollably.

Just these sincere, heartfelt words to pen down the amazing journey.

My gratification for these memorable phases, for the fulfilling phase in the beginning of my life journey.

For the people who have come into my life, for the love and support

Thank you...

:)

Alas... the mighty Duck has Graduated!

accepting and rejecting..


I've gone for 2 interviews and got job offers from both companies.


I rejected both in the end.
I guess most of my friends wonder why I would reject them in the first place given the current economy and unemployment rates.
I do question myself too. But i know that i'm not ready to commit to either job after I've been to the interviews. It's like sth's missing and I'm just not convinced enough. Not convinced by them that this is the job for me and not convinced by myself tt i'll stick to this job at this point of time in my life. The second interview with ttp was a humbling experience where i learn so much from them and felt so lucky tt they are willing to share with me about their precious tots. I salute them for their passion and hardwork for so many years. At the same time, i'm more aware tt this is not what i'm looking for for the first few years after graduation. Maybe in the future...


Of cos another impt reason is that I'm lucky cos I have no frets over the financial part.

I was having some random tots in addition to these ....

maybe i hve some probs w commitments.
HAHAHAHHAHHA!! i find it difficult to commit to one deal.. one particular job ( i hope not when it comes to r/s tou).

and i was reminded of secondary sch days... when i managed to change CCA 4 times throughout the 4 years ( cos i cant stay put in anyone of them for long) and I still manage to get A1 for my CCA. woahahahahahha!!!

Okay, jokes aside... i think i rlly need to think abt wat i wana do. Yet at the same time, not think so much. U know.. sometimes u jus need this impulse or urge to jus dive in and work on it w/o having too much reservations on ya mind.








Provided tt............................

resignation notice is 1 mth.


HAHAHAHAHA....
HAHAHHAHAHAH



Alright alright.. i'm kidding. (no, i'm not).
I believe tt things will be more settled n i'll be excited when i start work... when i've found sth i lke or think i have potential to grow and develop in my career.
Just a matter of time onli.




:)

"Don't lose yourself"

她说：

“自己是最重要的。

不管做什么，都不要迷失自己。

因为失去了‘自己’，什么东西都没有了意义…

在工作的时候，表现给老板看，不是最重要的…

最重要的是，知道你在做什么。

不要迷失了自己。”

Well…

Who doesn’t lose himself at different points of his life?

You won’t get to know yourself better if you never get to lose your self.

Perhaps it’s the pompous promise of youth.

Perhaps it’s a phase that everyone has to go through along the journey of self-discovery and growth.

Greed; wanting everything that you hope you can get hold of as you can’t decide what you really want. Cos’ the truth is… u cant have everything all at once nicely in place for you, most of the time.

Timing, opportunities every now and then and a little bit of luck

Teaches you to give up some things and gives u a taste of the reality.

Whetting your appetite, then force you to make a decision and live with your decision.

Nobody knows which is the right decision.

We only try to make the most appropriate decision and move on with life.

Maybe the more important question here, is not about making the right decision anymore.

The key question after all is,

“What do you really want?”

You might not get what you really want in the end.

But, at least, it serves as a guide to help you decide on your next step.

The sequence of the job interviews came about in a rather bad timing.

Well, who knows, maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.

There are so many things I want to do… so many things I want to try.

There’s a time for everything, they said.

But they also said that you grab opportunities when they come along cos sometimes opportunities dun strike twice.

And so… I happen to be caught in these 2 situations.

Its too early to say anything at this point of time.

Let’s see what the current new job takes me to.

At the same time, I need to find out what I really want.

Maybe not immediately, but along the way…

Okay.

Along the way.

And i'm starting to make my way there...

starting...

:)

Blast to the job.





boss sms-ed me

"Ser Hian i have meetings whole day. We will prepare the letter of offer and email u next mon. PXXXXX"



And so ... the ever-so-helpful farmie drafted this letter for me....
for da boss.



"As per your emailed letter of offer, I would not pick it up.

Yours sincerely
HSH

This is a computer generated letter. No signature is needed"




HAHAAHAHHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAHA
tank kew u leh.